Competitive Women: Are you a mean girl?

I have an obvious confession to make: all throughout high school and much of middle school I was your typical nasty/pretty girl who put other people down to make herself feel better. I wanted to be the best at everything and any girl who came along and threatened that had to be put in her place.

My arrogance and insecurity proceeded all other personality traits, and my tongue was as sharp as a machete. I made people feel bad, really bad and I regret much of what I said and did during that time.

I developed the habits from my Mom, a mean girl in her own right. The key is to build people up when they please you and then completely destroy them if they do anything to upset you. You feed them compliments and they like the attention you're giving them because you're smart, pretty and popular and then you take it all away if they don't do exactly as you say.

I call it "meangirling" and we women do it all the damn time. We shun certain women while praising others, and we all have that bit of competitive nature about us because we live in a capitalist society. It's inevitable to experience, but not impossible to circumvent.

But I've grown past that now, or at least I'd like to think so. It's not as easy as you might think to reverse your mean girl ways, but at a certain point you realize that manipulating everyone around you only makes you feel empty and alone. It's much better to try to relate to others than to always prove to them that you're better than they are because you aren't. That shit won't get you anywhere and so I revamped my mean girl ways but a few traits still linger, and it's often subconscious.

When people like me and compliment me, I eat that shit up. I love it, and get off on being the prettiest bitch at the party, the smartest, most successful, but you can't always be that. And if that's the foundation for your self-esteem, it could crumble at any second.

A good friend of mind had an outing for her birthday and didn't invite me because she assumed it was too sporty of an event for me. What she forgot is that she'd mentioned the outing to me and I reluctantly agreed to go. The day of the outing came and I asked her what time we were meeting up and she let me know that I wasn't included.

She felt guilty that she left me out, but that wasn't enough for me. I needed to dig the knife in to her back a little deeper and make her feel even worse. That's what the old Kris would have done -- shunned her until she proved herself worthy and that's complete crap! You can't mean girl your friends, let that shit go and stop trying to compete with every woman you meet.

So she's prettier, skinnier and smarter, who gives a fuck? Do you, and stop worrying about the next girl, because it will only distract you from everything you're meant to accomplish.

If you find yourself always comparing yourself to other women, or disliking another woman simply because of jealousy, stop and evaluate your thoughts and feelings because it's just not okay to treat people that way.

Love,
Kris

Growing Pains

Growing up is hard to do, and over the last few years I've been struggling to keep up with the rest of my generation. I'm in my mid-twenties and for me adulthood has been a major adjustment -- both good and bad. I've struggled in my career, and that alone has me feeling like I'm one step behind everyone else.

I often set high expectations for myself, too high in fact. And while I did well in school and at university I had a difficult time finding a job after college. It took months, four months exactly before I landed my first job working in IT as a communications specialist for a major corporation.

It wasn't long before I realized I hated the job and wanted to quit, but I don't believe in quitting so I stuck it out until I was laid off only 10 months in to the job. I found myself on the job hunt again, landed a PR position at a healthcare company and was laid off again after working there for a little over a year.

So it seems that things just haven't worked out for me. I should throw in the towel, admit that I've failed at life and crawl in to a hole and die, right? Fuck that I will make my own way. I took matters in to my own hands and started writing books during that first corporate IT job. I've written four so far all unpublished, but I hope that changes soon.

My unsuccessful career in corporate America has taught me a few things:

Don't define yourself by what you do because it will leave you feeling empty.
Don't dedicate your life to a job.
Don't expect anyone to look out for you or your career.
Don't assume that just because you land a job you will be happy there.
Figure out what you love and do that because for some, corporate America can be a nightmare.

The 40-hour work week isn't for everyone. The monotony of the days can often be unbearable as once you're an adult everything starts to blend together like one big mural of time. I've learned to appreciate myself without my career path being set in stone. I've learned to value flexibility and to not worry so much about other's opinions because most people are fucking stupid unfortunately.

Through growing up, I've also learned that it's okay to ask for help, it's okay to admit your faults and to make mistakes. It's okay to be me, and I don't have to make excuses for myself.

But the most important thing that growing up has taught me thus far is that you have to live your life no matter what, and knock down anyone who's standing in your way.

And she thinks she's the pink of perfection...

That's a line from a film called "Summer Magic" that I watched as a kid. When I was little and did a good job someone would always drop the word "perfect." 

I was a cute kid so adults constantly gave me attention for my looks, and then when I did something smart I got coded as "perfect." 

"She's so perfect," they'd say. 

"You're perfect," my mother would tell me. "Not my perfect Crissy," she'd utter if anyone ever spoke a word against me. 

"I love how perfect you are," said my husband and I was always afraid to let everyone down.

Because I'm not perfect, and for the first time in my life I'm not trying to be.

I used to think that if I acted as perfect as possible my life would be easier and everyone would love me. I thought if I always looked beautiful, excelled professionally, kept my house clean and baked elaborate desserts for everyone, I wouldn't have a care in the world. 

Well, as I'm sure you've guessed by now it didn't work out for me. I became a warden of my own thoughts and actions. Anything that didn't seem perfect was banished from my personality, and anyone in my life who wasn't trying to be perfect, I condemned. And really all I was doing was condemning myself, judging myself along the same strict standards as I did every person I met. 

I felt as though I had to be perfect or my friends and family wouldn't be able to brag about me anymore. I was desperate to keep up my persona and then one day I just broke -- cracked right down the middle. 

There was no hope left. I couldn't be saved and so I had to give up the battle for perfection. I had to stop counting every single calorie I put in to my body. I had to stop punishing myself for my own mistakes and short-comings because no one is perfect, and anyone who might be perfect is probably horribly boring. 

So my point is that you should always do your best, but who gives a fuck if your house isn't spotless. Who cares if a few cookies have some burnt edges -- you'll eat them anyway because they taste amazing. Imperfection is beautiful, it's unique. 

Don't turn in to a drone, and don't have a break down like I did. Love yourself and your friends and family because they aren't perfect and neither are you.

Love,

Kris

On Weight and Self-Worth

Sitting in my neighborhood bookstore and having to hear a very young girl, around 18 or 19, describe herself as "chunky" breaks my heart. It hurts to hear her say that to her group of friends, but it hurts even more that they only offered their friend more negative comments about their own bodies.

I'm not judging these girls. Because I know where those thoughts come from and just how hard it is to constantly work against them.

We all do it. We criticize our bodies and in turn diminish our self-worth. And I'm one of the biggest culprits. I'll stare at myself in the mirror looking for dimples and extra fat to pull and tug on, comparing my body now to the body I had in college or in high school, and wondering why I didn't realize how I awesome I looked back then.

For women, it's often a constant struggle to learn to love and accept their bodies. For a large part of our history women felt that their appearance and beauty ultimately determined their survival, and it did. All women were expected to marry, and you married based on how attractive and complacent you were. We live in a much different era now, but these ideals still cloud our judgement because they're constantly recycled and repackaged in ways that we often don't recognize. We only know that we should feel bad about our bodies, that we should always be looking for a way to improve our appearance because for women our appearance is important..

And it is important, but it should never be the sole determinant of your worth as a person. I bet that girl had a million other things should could have been focusing on -- work, academics, art, culture, but we allow our obsession with our appearance to cloud our brains and shadow our true potential.

But you're more than your body and you're more than your weight, so don't listen to society's mantra of thinness equaling happiness, because it doesn't.

I've had times in my life when I ate very little to stay thin, and while I looked great I was the unhappiest I'd ever been. So let so and so worry about getting her boobs done or skipping dessert, while you worry about putting in overtime on that big project. One worry will benefit you while the other won't.

Determine for yourself what looks good and don't let the images on a telescreeen dictate for you. And banish the little voice inside your head that tells you you're fat. Cuz you ain't, honey.

Love,
Kris

When to Dream

That probably seems like a difficult concept, but for me the idea of when it's appropriate to dream is very concrete. I grew up poor, like a lot of people, and I rarely saw my parents dream, they only worked. And as an adult I feel guilty for quitting my corporate IT job and pursuing my dream of being a writer, but you know what... Fuck that!

It's my dream and I don't have any damn kids to support. It's just me that I have to worry about so why should I work a job I hate just to match up to some ethereal idea of success. I want to figure out what success means for me. I don't know what Kris Villarreal the successful novelist looks like, but I want to know that girl. And it's not as if I think fulfilling my childhood dream is going to banish all my problems and instantly make me a better person...

No... that's definitely not my anticipated outcome, but I have to hold on to this because if I let it go the pain just might kill me. I want more, and I'm going to get it. And I know it sounds arrogant, but I've always known that I was different. The way that I feel, the way that I internalize it's always made me feel like an outsider.

Growing up I was the lone kid on the blacktop sitting on the sidelines reading Emily Dickinson and scribbling my own shitty poems in to a beat-up composition notebook while the other kids played kickball. Writing is in my blood and that's why I know I can't give up and you shouldn't either.

Whatever your dream is, don't sit on your ass telling yourself you're not good enough, because that's bullshit. Who said you weren't good enough? No one! And if someone did tell you that I hope you stopped talking to that person because they don't know shit. Work hard and dream, dream on, dream until it happens, work until it happens. Good luck to you and to me.

Love,
Kris